my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
