Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
