I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
