Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
