just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Randomize
