I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
