i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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