If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
