Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
