Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Couch. On fire.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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