I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
As shirtless as possible
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
