see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
