Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
