I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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