I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
