that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
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Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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