There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
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I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
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Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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