I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
