I'm so fucking centered right now
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
