my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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