Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
