I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
