Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
