can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
