Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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