we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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