he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
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we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
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Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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