Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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