so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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