I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
