Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
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