I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
