There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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