is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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