The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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