So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
