The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
