I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
