when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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