I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Randomize
