Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
