I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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