Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.