I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
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So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.