I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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