now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
