i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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