I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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