shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
