Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
