you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
