i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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