I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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