once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
