no, he came in my armpit
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
people are starting to question the shark bite story
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
