My liver just broke up with me...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
