im drinking this country out of the recession.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
