Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
