Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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