I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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